A quick preface for the Catholic devotee: fear not! Humor is one of our greatest tools, and this article is meant to elicit nothing more. Doubtlessly even the saint with the most miserable of patronages is still miles ahead of my own spiritual progress, and I shun not their intercessions. I also trust, however, that even they would enjoy the teasing I have to offer, and maybe some of them would agree to a degree...
Guercino - St. Cecilia. Licensed with changes from Jabonsbachek. https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Guercino_-_St._Cecilia_.jpg
1. Saint Cecilia: Patron of Music
Universally loved and adored as the primary patron saint of music in the Catholic Church, yet this holy hack was never known to play a single instrument! Sing to yourself one time before you die and apparently that’s enough to become the biggest name on the musical block. Move over St. Hildegard von Bingen. Looks like your mastery of almost every artistic field was snubbed by the Pope's saint awards that year. Writing music that remains influential 500+ years later just doesn't cut it in this business. Though I am sorry that you apparently don't have any patronages at all, Hildy honey.
2. Saint Catherine of Siena: Patron of Fire prevention
Be who God meant you to be and you will set the world on fire.- St. Catherine of Siena, literally a fire quote. 🔥
Is this a joke, RCC? What a slap in the face to the legacy of this pious pyro. Not only is St. Catherine connected to fire only by this single quote from her entire life (RIP St. Brigid and her eternal flame), but she has clearly asked for the opposite of fire prevention here. It smells to me like Big Patronage wanted to put the kibosh on a challenging invocation: ‘Better make this saintly woman’s legacy G-Rated. That’ll sell better among the family and realtor demographics.’ Don't bite the bait sheeple. We Catholics know that symbolism and creative interpretations are inventions of the Dark One.
Licensed with changes as: Giovan Francesco Barbieri called "Guercino", Saint Philip Neri, 1656. On display at the National Museum of San Marino. Picture by Stefano Bolognini, 2008.
3. Saint Philip Neri: Patron of the US Special Forces
Imagine a life where you choose not to join the Jesuits, devote yourself to holiness anyways, live your life challenging Roman elites to be joyful, authentic, and holy, become legendary for your sense of humor, serve the poor, prostitutes, and fringe members of Roman society for the rest of your life, have your only reported sin be when you pushed your sister your during childhood, and finally get to die peacefully, surrounded by your friends. All of this happens and then you look down from heaven some 400 years later at a place called “America” and you see some soldiers in charge of “unconventional warfare” name you their patron saint (without your consent) because they thought you "embodied the traits of the ideal Special Forces Soldier.”
America, why did you have to do St. Philip like this?? That’s like making St. Kateri Tekakwitha the patron saint of fracking because she embodied ecological responsibility. I think you’re missing the point. Or else I am.
Quotes taken from here:
http://www.sfa-72.com/Philip_Neri_Criteria.pdf
The statue of St. Expeditus. Licensed with changes from Piotr Rymuza / CC-BY-SA-3.0 https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_statue_of_St._Expeditus.jpg
4. Saint Expeditus: Patron of expeditious solutions and against procrastination
Perhaps the only saint I know whose patronage exists largely because of a pun on their name is this poor man. Is it possible that heaven does not soothe all ills, O Lord? Are your saintly souls content watching their legacies drift astray?
Recorded history tells us that Saint Expeditus was a Roman centurion in Armenia around 300 AD and that his name might come from the latin word for a soldier without a pack. He attracted adoration as a saint after converting to Christianity during Roman persecutions and being martyred for doing so. The cult of his speedy patronage, however, derives primarily from legends that emerged in the 1700s. These legends follow a common theme: A mysterious package arrives. Sometimes the package contains the possible relics of a saint. Whatever the case, someone has labeled the package expedite or expédit leading the recipient to assume that the contents or the sender must be related to Saint Expeditus.
Whoever you were St Expeditus, great centurion and Catholic martyr, I apologize for our shared stupidity and wishfulness and hope that you too find the legacy of your swiftly ended life, at the very least, punny.
And finally...
5. St. Thérèse of Lisieux: Patron of the Missions
Lol, never even went on a mission. Stop posing.
Redundant epilogue: Again, please don't fret too much over this. I just wanted to make something fun and silly at this time. Hope you found it to be so.
-Shane